Advertising for Twilight

*I apologize in advance to friends of mine who might be offended with this. But honestly, offended or not, you guys know it's true, right? :D

...And so, my friends, it is expected that with the mass-mania of Valentine's Day comes the biggest mistake of the human race since Demi Lovato. You know what I'm talking about right? Yeah. Twilight.

But hey! This is not just the usual, asscrack shit that Twilight never fails to be. It's actually worse! Aside from t-shirts, hoodies, TRACK SUITS and bags, there are actually Twilight-themed Valentine's Day Cards! How utterly deranged is that? Capitalism has never made a bigger blunder, but let's face it, it hasn't made a bigger profit before this, either. I've seen multitudes of this zoophilia-craze worshippers sport "Mrs. Cullen" , "Team Cullen" , "Bite Me" and "Do I Dazzle You?" statement shirts that project no statement at all besides "Me: Stupid", but Valentine's Day cards? You. Have. Got. To. Be. Kidding. Me.

A Twilighter-friend of mine told me about these...things. She's actually planning to order some online and even told me about this site where one could buy all Twilight-related crappola..I mean...stuff. Here is something that gave me helpless LOLs:

Did you know that Bella Swan is into necrophilia? Given that she let Edward Cullen's bee partake nectar from her (formerly) virginal flower of forbidden pollen in Breaking Dawn, technically, she's a necrophile. And now you're all jumping into the bandwagon? Being a necrophile means you're messed up in the head, people. Wanting a dead, sexually-deprived, teenage-boy-poser ancient man pop your forbidden cherry isn't awesome. It's a massively epic mistake. Tsk, tsk.

This is the card that I was talking about. Well, this and a lot more. "The outside world holds nothing for me without you." Apparently, Meyer must have dreamt of a guy saying that to her, but it didn't happen so she poured out her mushy, school-girl necrophilic sicko fantasies into the greatest shit* that ever hit the shelves. Wow, I am finally a Twilighter.

NOT.

If you want to waste cash and get a hold of these things, I got them here.

And the craptaker's verdict on this perfect crap? A shining, shimmering, sparkling 10 for necrophilia and bestiality.

(*Hey. At least I wrote "greatest" shit. That must count for something.)

The (Non)existence of traffic laws. really.

You get used to the heavy traffic and smoke-belching after a while, especially if you brave Metro Manila's streets everyday. The trip to and from the university won't be complete without jeepney drivers spitting fire at each other, shady guys hitching free rides and unruly kids thrusting dirty envelopes at you even after you say "No". Yeah. I got used to it after a couple of months.

But there are some things that you just can't get used to, tulad ng garapalang pangongotong ng mga traffic enforcers. Just take my trip home this afternoon as an example. I was in a jeepney, and we were somewhere in the Luzon area when the driver pulled over and scrambled out of his seat. I thought something was wrong with the engine and we had to transfer to another jeepney, but then more PUJs and PUVs pulled over and I had an inkling of what was happening when I saw a man in uniform (wearing a, probably, fake Ray-Ban). He didn't have a beer belly, which was unexpected, and he was smiling and being an all-around nice guy, which was also unexpected. What I expected was bravado that came in raging bouts and a holier-than-thou attitude.

I would have fallen for his act had I not seen drivers "surreptitiously" hand over what seemed to be rolled-up wads of money. And the smile of Manong Pulis grew even wider, and his pockets fuller.

Heh. I should have known. Tiba-tiba si Manong. Bumabawi sa gastos nung bakasyon. *rolls eyes* Kaya pala parang namatayan si Manong Drayber when he went back in the jeep. Baka pinatos na lahat ng gahamang pulis.

Hmm, I guess I shouldn't put the blame on traffic enforcers alone, huh? Drivers are to be blamed as much as the street demi-gods. Just a couple of weeks ago on my way to class, the driver of the jeepney I was in pretty much ignored the turn signal of a freaking Mazda6 ahead of him, stepped on the accelerator and sped ahead of the probably pissed driver.

All I thought was, bastos 'tong si Manong. Unahan ba naman ang Mazda6. Ambisyoso.

And the craptaker's verdict on Philippine traffic law enforcement? Or just plain Philippine traffic?

A highly disappointing 9.5 on the Crap-O-Meter. T___T

Nothing Else Matters

I got this from Ia-chan, who got this from Lea. Seems fun, so I tried it. :P

RULES:
1. Put your MP3 player, iTunes, Windows Media Player, etc. on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS.
4. Tag at least 10 friends (this is not necessary, I think) :P
5. Everyone has to do the same thing.6. Have Fun!

IF SOMEONE SAYS 'ARE YOU OKAY' YOU SAY?
Famous Last Words by My Chemical Romance

I am not afraid to keep on living,
I am not afraid to walk this world alone..

Okay..emo much? LOL.

HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOURSELF?
Fences by Paramore

And it's obvious that you're dying, dying
Just living proof that the camera's lying

So...so. This is wholly inaccurate, I assure you.

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
Californication by Red Hot Chili Peppers

First born unicorn
Hard core, soft porn
Dream of californication

...I am getting freaked out.

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
We Are Broken by Paramore

Cause we are broken
What must we do to restore..
Our innocence
Give us life again, cause we just want to be whole

Again, highly inaccurate. My "emo" phase has long been done. Puhlease.

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
This is How I Disappear by My Chemical Romance

No. I swear I am not suicidal. LOL.

WHAT'S YOUR MOTTO?
Minsan by Eraserheads

Ngunit ngayon, kay bilis maglaho ng kahapon.
Sana'y wag kalimutan ang ating mga pinagsamahan.
at kung sakaling gipitin ay
laging iisipin na
minsan tayo ay naging tunay na magkaibigan.

I miss my friends.

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
Teenagers by My Chemical Romance

I am getting sick of MCR.

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
Under the Bridge by Red Hot Chili Peppers

Wow. My parents are cool.

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
Maselang Bahaghari by Eraserheads

If you've been my friend since high school, then you'll know that this is so accurate, even from the title. Damn. I am freaked out. LOL

WHAT IS 2 + 2?
Alive by Pearl Jam

...

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND? (this applies to my closest friends)
Forsaken by Dream Theater

...No! Definitely not!

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
Before It's Too Late by Goo Goo Dolls

And hold on, before it's too late
Until we leave this behind
Don't fall, just be who you are
It's all that we need in our lives

Yes. I shall hold on. You can count on that. :)

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
Overdrive by Eraserheads

So...I'll be a driver? As long as the ride is a Lamborghini, then it's fine. :P

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Leave Out All The Rest by Linkin Park

and when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory
leave out all the rest

Kinda sad but...somehow it fits.

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
Misery Business by Paramore

This song is actually about prostitution, but whatever. Yeah, a wedding inspires misery. Fortunately for me, I don't believe in weddings. :P

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
Let the Flames Begin by Paramore

So...this means that I'm going to burn in hell?

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
In the Presence of Enemies by Dream Theater

Yeah. I like bashing up things. And making enemies along the way. :P

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST FEAR?
For A Pessimist, I'm Pretty Optimistic by Paramore

I never wanted to say this
You never wanted to stay
I put my faith in you, so much faith
And then you just threw it away

I guess, in a way, we're all scared of rejection and abandonment.

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
Superproxy by Eraserheads

I don't even get this song that much.

WHAT DO YOU WANT RIGHT NOW?
Soul to Squeeze by Red Hot Chili Peppers

Oh yeah. I want a soul to squeeze. *insert evil snort here*

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
Kamasupra by Eraserheads

mahal kita..pero miss na miss na miss ko na ang aking kama
at ang malupit kong unan
ba't di ka na lang sumama?
hihiga tayo at kakan...taaaa. :D

Strange. Everytime we drop by Ambida's house, we cluster around (and on) his bed and belt it out on his Magic Sing. Strangely accurate. LOL.

WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
Nothing Else Matters by Metallica
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Fun. And freaky how most songs seem to fit the questions. Try it out. ;)

Para Kay Petras

Have you ever felt that strange heaviness when something you never gave a damn about is suddenly, brutally snatched from your grasp? And because of that loss, you suddenly care. But you can't do anything about it, because the damage has been done and you can't take it back.


Earlier today, something horrible happened in my Panitikang Pilipino 12 class. My professor asked a question, something that we should have easily answered had we read the references, yet we didn't utter a single word. Not one of us said anything.


That triggered a series of unfortunate events where the professor scrapped the previous roll-call and instead based attendance on whether we brought our readings or not. It was a disaster because not even half the class brought theirs. So we received an earful- how he was so disappointed, how he cannot believe that we are students from UP...stuff that a teacher, who actually teaches, would say. Then he dropped the bomb. PanPil12 Section WFR1 would no longer hold classes and would meet only for exams and submission of papers. Then he dismissed us and walked out of the class.

He actually said more that cut us to the quick, but it's either I forgot them or I just can't bring myself to face them again. The turth hurts, huh.

I felt and still feel like crap. And believe me, it's a lot worse had you heard his words first-hand.

I need to cheer up. Maybe I should go bash Twilight. That never fails to give me the LOLs. :D

P.S. Hi to my PanPil12 classmate, Rosie! Check out her blog, Stercus Accidit (i.e. Shit Happens. You gotta love anyone with "shit" in their names/blognames/etc.) I finally got to visit your space. Loved it, mon amie.

Hiatus. Another seemingly endless bout of writer's block has hit me. Now I wish for those blissful days when hypergraphia would force me to regurgitate streams and streams of words that do or do not make sense. I had a release, at the very least. But now...

Can I rant? Just a little bit.

Okay here goes.

Goddammit, screw those blood-sucking bitches with doctorate degrees who can't do anything but torture dying students with fucked-up inane statements and force them to swallow their dignities like thick, white mancrap! Those motherfreakingfucker assholes should get a life before they bite the fucking dust! Get ya heads outta your loose fucked up posteriors, dammit!! God damn it.

Dammit. Dammit.

Just Setting the Record Straight

Do you say that bitter gourd ice cream tastes like shit just because you like vanilla ice cream? Do you say that Demi Lovato is a lame, Disney freeloader just because you like Vanessa Hudgens? Do you say that pork isn't good for the body just because you like chicken?

No, you don't. You say that bitter gourd ice cream tastes like shit because IT DOES taste like shit. You say that Demi Lovato is lame because SHE IS lame. You say that pork isn't good for the body because IT ISN'T good for the body.

Just like I say that Twilight is a pathetic excuse for a novel, not because I like Harry Potter, but because IT IS a pathetic excuse for a novel. Do you people get it now? Me liking (or loving) Harry Potter (the series, not the character) has nothing to do with me disliking Twilight.

Scratch that. I do not just dislike Twilight. I abhor it with every particle of my animus. And this is, predictably, because of rabid fangirls who just don't know when to stop, who just can't get it when their brainless comments are not wanted, and who just can't get a clue that their aggravating squeals are doing serious damage to my ears.

Those hellish things, I can endure. But when you say that Harry Potter is, and I quote, "a boring and sucky book COMPARED to Twilight," that's where I would have to draw the line. Heck, that's where most accomplished authors and literary circles who laud Harry Potter would have to draw the line.

You have your own opinions, yes, but nobody said that ludicrous statements such as those cannot be reprobated, no?

First of all, literature is literature because it is decided by certain authorities in the field. One cannot just say that a written work is a piece of literature just because it has a plot, characters, setting, etc. Being a bestseller doesn't cut it either, because what does sales mean when the very people who read the book in question have a lamentable taste and feel for literature? What do figures mean when the fans (most, not all, because I do not want to generalize) are anencephalic, shrieking hounds with little to no literary refinement? Nothing. Literature has to have a cultural impact, a lasting impression that would make that work immortal- alive through the years even after its maker has long been dead. Dickens, Dahl, King- those are just a few examples of what I'm talking about. Harry Potter certainly And Rowling sure had earned her rightful place among that level of genius.

Do you want me to prove to you why your statement IS anomalous and unfounded on all angles?

Here are a few evidences.

I apologize for the incomplete data on the awards and nominations of Harry Potter. It was quite taxing to hunt down each and every award that the series garnered. Thankfully, I couldn't say the same about Twilight.

And as for your laughable allegations that (heaven forbid!) Harry Potter is, I quote, 'boring", I can only think of one feasible justification. Your pitiable ability for apperception (read: your pathetic brain ) wasn't able to handle the presence of a plot, proper character development and lack of unnecessary adjectives, hence, you were bored.

It seems to me that Harry Potter will, and I quote Stephen King, "indeed stand time's test and wind up on a shelf where only the best are kept; I think Harry will take his place with Alice, Huck, Frodo, and Dorothy and this is one series not just for the decade, but for the ages."

With that, I rest my case, Your Honor.

P.S. Did you bimbos know that over 72 million copies of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows were sold worldwide in just 24 hours? This is according to TIME Almanac. How does that compare to your precious Twilight, hm? I didn't include this in my argument for the purpose of maintaining consistency. Just thought you wanted to know.

The Act of Crapping

Disclaimer: I take no credit for this image. All I take credit for is the very true crap I've written here.

WARNING: Humourless Twilight fangirls, proceed at your own caution. Intelligent Twilight fangirls (though I'm not really sure if there are such creatures because the statement is a fallacy), maybe we could have a mature debate on why Twilight is a shitbag vampire romance.

I don't know why, but it's just so FUN to make fun of Twilight. Probably because fangirls transform into werewolves at the slightest hint of anti-Twilight stuff. And don't forget their heartfelt declarations that Twilight and its sequels are the "best pieces of literature in the history of everything" (Dickens must be rolling in his grave). Please, people, I still have a tiny, teensy bit of hope left in the human race, and don't crush it by being gigglish dumbasses who have no taste whatsoever in literature. You have to realize that you need help, and quite a lot of people are more than willing to extend a helping hand.

Let's start with these few steps, shall we?

1. Go burn all your Twilight books and sequels. Gather the ashes and scatter them to the four winds.
2. Visit the nearest bookstore and purchase some books, preferably the works of Voltaire, Chinua Achebe, Mark Twain, etc.
3. If you really are a vampire lit fan, then there is still hope for you. Get the Vampire Chronicles by Anne Rice and indulge yourself in manly vampires. There are quite a lot, and not just one wussy, pasty douchebag like Edward.
4. Get rid of your downloaded/pirated Twilight movies/books.
5. Change your Edward desktop wallpaper into anything BUT Twilight-related shit.
6. Separate yourself from webgroups (read:cults) dedicated to worshipping Edward's skinny, undead self.
7. Stop dumbing yourself down just to be on the same wavelength as other fans. But if you really are that much of an airhead then I can't do shit about it.

Well, those are just some steps you gotta take. But I hate to tell you that some damages cannot be reversed, such as the death of some of your innocent brain cells or the sudden drop in your IQ. Treatment for these requires much patience and lots of reading books that are actually written by an author with a working, lucid brain.

---
This is a little something I've found on the Net, so I take no credit for it.

Quite a lot of lines cracked me up. One is "Twilight iz mature and sexier then HP!" - Sad. Just sad. I feel sorry for those fangirls whose lives revolve around trying to be Mary Sue and dreaming about Edward Cullen's sparkling balls.

Another is "You're just jealous cos you'll never get a hot guy like Edward!" - Oh, and you could? Not to mention that he's a 107-year old undead virgin, and guys like him exist, right? RIGHT? (yeah. RIGHT)...

And another.. "ur just jellus!!1!" - I am not even going to start about spelling...punctuation...

It's painfully obvious what kind of people Stephenie Meyer (bestselling author and comedienne) has for fans- utterly clueless preteen/hormonal/deprived girls who dream of having their anorexic cherry popped by Edward's pasty (yet sparkling), undead sausage. I would feel sorry for Meyer if only she didn't bring into the world the little piece of shit that started it all. But then again, if she didn't, I wouldn't have this much fun bashing up a book.