For the Rain

I expected to feel a shifting in the air, a sudden blast of light from the horizon, or even- well, I didn't really expect those, though subconsciously, I had been waiting for it to transpire.

New. It implies quite a lot if things. By "new", do we mean an overall, 360-degree change? A complete renaissance? Or do we mean the birth of something through the death of another? The decay of life that is to be replaced by feeble seedlings? Of life through death? Of joy through pain?

The new year that had everyone on their toes in giddy anticipation was dampened by the quite heavy drizzle and bitingly cold breeze. It had also- quite considerably, I might add- lessened the dark smoke that usually permeated the air every New Year's Eve. But I was rather pleased with the presence of the rain. It felt good, like it had fallen to purge all the atrocities, the mistakes, the pain. It felt like it was salvation. Or some shit that sounds like that.

The New Year festivities had never really held something of importance for me, which led to my conclusion that it is hugely overrated. Come to think of it, all festivities are overrated, because these things force you to share in that terribly overbearing feeling of camaraderie and joy despite the fact that the mask of the joker is slowly freezing, cracking under the pressure.

Though I have to admit that celebrating New Year is good for some things. There is just something about ushering in new year that makes people want to consider change. Change. Hence the New Year's resolutions.

Resolution. Do they even know what this entails? Resolution is determination- a strong will to achieve something and not mere promises and vows that should be thrown around thoughtlessly. Yet this is what we do, what most people do, because intent should be honored as justified once it is verbalized, is it not? Because weightless words should hold meaning when it is merely said? Utter rubbish. Crap.

Knowing this, I still find myself wanting that elusive ideal, that impossible change most people yearn for. Yet I want it without truly knowing what I want. I still walk in circles, I write in senselessness. A nomad- homeless and, under the erratic stream of pressure and bitter memories, dreamless.

There is only one thing that I truly wish to achieve this 2009. I hope to let go. Of what? Of everything that had taken hold of me and made me into this acerbic, vile person. It is easier said than done, and this is something I have come to realize very painfully. Yet I realize, and I know, that the person who started it all has moved on, has forgotten. I may be wrong in this assumption, I may be right, but it doesn't change the word abandonment. The act of forsaking. And you know what? Though thinking about it makes my chest hurt and my hands shake, I'll make sure that this year, nothing is all I'll feel. And when that happens, I have forgiven, but not forgotten. No, never forgotten.

"Di na kami kasama

sa mga pangarap

ni Rizal."