Coming Out the Closet

I am an atheist.

Whew. Now that wasn’t so hard, was it?

Self, I beg to differ. I might as well have said that I am a lesbian (which I am not), and I would have received a much calmer, and certainly warmer, acceptance.

Scratch that, I wouldn’t have been accepted. Period.

That is not my melodramatic self talking, nor is it the manifestation of my tendency to exaggerate. We would have to accept (and admit) the fact that atheism in the Philippine setting is like trying to piece together wrong puzzle pieces. The Philippines is a widely Christian country and a Muslim minority where religion is an integral part of society and culture. Our history is heavily influenced by religion; though we cannot be certain whether the effects of which have done more good than harm, it has, nevertheless, augmented the growth of our country. Moreover, it is apparent in Philippine history that the Church has had an encompassing influence over the governance of provinces.

Having established that, I can reiterate that atheism does not have a place in Philippine society, considering the fact that its foundations are deeply entrenched in dogma. It cannot flourish as a justifiable substitute for those who are starting to question their beliefs and it certainly does not help that most theists’ reactions are those of disdain or even disgust when an individual divulges his being an atheist. It is treated like a disease; probably on a level of intolerance that homosexuality receives. This pushes most non-believers into “hiding”- choosing to remain silent and “in the closet”, instead of speaking up, lest they be treated differently by their peers and family.

http://s202.photobucket.com/albums/aa144/Primate_bucket/?action=view&current=cartoon20060222.gif

On a more personal note, when I expressed indifference about a Christian-themed T.V. series that a family member absolutely adores, she said things that bordered on bigotry and discrimination. Naturally, they hurt coming from a family member, yet no matter how I forced the thoughts away, I just couldn’t help but think, Wow, those are your so-called Christian virtues, huh?

I ended up trying to keep my mouth shut and taking all the things she said in stride. Had you heard the words, you would have thought that I was in a cult worshipping Satan and killing innocents as offerings. Yep. It was that bad. (I just want to clarify that I have nothing against Satanists; we all have our beliefs, anyway. Or in my case, non-belief.)

There. I have “come out of the proverbial closet”, so to speak. Now, I am only waiting for the raised eyebrows (best case scenario) and disownment (REALLY worst case scenario) that I might receive from certain people.

Plato help me.

One of Countless Ramblings

"Forgive, O Lord, my little joke on Thee and I'll forgive Thy great big one on me." - Robert Frost. Funny, funny man.

I'm at a standstill. I find myself in an irredeemable situation where I lose on both choices. I find myself at crossroads where each one leads to rocky cliffs that would lead to certain death. The proverbial yellow brick-road crumbles into a dirt path where nothing is certain, and everything is a myriad of abstracts and non-existence. I want to cry out to the skies, but then I remember that I have no right. No right, no right- a fiend cast from the lofty realms.

But then again, on the plane in between, are beings higher than those above, and deeper than those below. I find myself among them, in the company of immortals who chose the void, of creatures who thrive in non-belief, of men who are their own gods. It was beautiful, so impure, that I found myself drawn to the dark allure.

I wake. It was not a mere dream.

And so the week-long hiatus becomes longer than a week.

An Open Letter to the Blindfolded One

When I was a kid, I have always imagined that I'm talking to God. I was so steadfast in my belief back then, to the point that I would pray every chance I got. When other kids would bully me, I would curl up in a bed and sob my heart out to an invisible friend. But that was years ago.

Fast forward to nine years, and here I am, a person who can't even bear to think of believing. It's like a roaring fire was suddenly extinguished by a swift, cold wind (pardon the poor metaphors). What's left? Just a pile of boring, lifeless ash, with no sense of purpose whatsoever.

Don't get me wrong. I am enjoying this state of non-belief, this exhilarating freedom where I have no obligations whatsoever to a Higher Being. And contrary to the belief of most believers, I still keep my morals intact despite the fact that I am what they would call an atheist, thankyouverymuch.

But there's just something missing, and I would feel really out of place when my friends or family would pray, as if I didn't belong because I don't believe in a Higher Power. But no matter how I try, I just can't bring myself to believe again. There's just so much decadence in the system, so much SIN, that it would feel like I'm just making a fool out of myself if I pretend.

My Catholic friends can't understand how I am able to live without seeking Divine Providence, without the assurance that someone up there, someone omniscient, omnipotent, omni-everything is watching over me. They'll ask, "Saan ka pupunta pag namatay ka na? To heaven or hell?"

And I'll answer, "Wala na. Eh di patay kung patay. I'll cease to exist, in particle and in being. And that's it. No after-life adventures for me. And certainly no sojourns as a different person in the far future."

And they'll reply, "That's sad."

I do agree, of course. The prospects of life after death, of a paradise so perfect, or of a chance to once again walk the earth as a different person are so alluring, like promises of a presidential candidate, so alluring that you would have no choice but to believe, so beautiful that you would have no qualms about living in despair and poverty, because as soon as you die, those sweet promises would become reality. And that's what matters, right?

I envy those who believe. Not because they have those gifts, those promises of paradise after death for as long as they live blameless lives, and certainly not because they have someone to watch over them and account for their mistakes. I envy them because they have the strength of heart, their ardent faith, and their fearlessness of the unknown, for it is certainly not easy to put your life in the invisible hands of an invisible god.

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Image taken from http://zalandria.files.wordpress.com/2008/03/housemate_atheist.jpg